23 Months Later; or, Zombies Don’t Need Snack Cheese

The CDC nearly took down its own Web site this week when the excited masses learned it had featured a blog post about how to survive a zombie apocalypse.

I’m one of the many who have been unable to read the torrid details, so I’ve had to use my imagination and minor infatuation with post-apocalyptic movies to inform and update my own personal end-of-the-world planning.

And from what I can guess, parenting in a zombie apocalypse just might be easier than parenting without a zombie apocalypse.

For one, the boys are certainly not going to be trying to run outside alone anymore.

I mean, The Elder isn’t even all that comfortable around midsize dogs, so growling, moaning humans would surely send him fleeing back to the safety of his playroom.

And the meatballs I’m serving up for dinner are certainly going to start looking a lot more appetizing after they witness the all-homo sapiens buffet going on outside, though they’re probably going to pass on the ketchup.

If the boys were to become zombies themselves, they’d certainly be much easier to round up for car rides and walks. They probably wouldn’t need their shoes and socks put on again every time we decided to venture out, either. It’s a little known fact that young zombies do not feel compelled to remove their footwear at each and every opportunity, since they like to stay ready for those intermittent flesh stampedes.

Since there’s no treatment for being a zombie, I wouldn’t have to give the boys any amoxicillin or other antibiotics, either — that’s a relief! — and they’d also probably do away with the cat, so I wouldn’t need to go feed her every night.

Preschool would likely shut down for the season, or maybe until the end of time, so that would be a bummer, but we could catch up on art projects — hanging finger-painted carcasses, anyone? — and trade in the blunt-tipped beginner scissors for some nice little meat shears.

The best part is, the undead can’t feel cold, so we’d gets lots of outdoor time in year-round. I wouldn’t have to remember to pack any snacks since we could go free-range on other families, we’d get lots of walking in, and they wouldn’t keep catching those pesky viruses.

Sounds good to me. Where do we sign up? –Jillian O’Connor

Can’t-miss tips on beating the zombies: http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp#