The miracle cake diet

I’ve missed living in a part of the country where Marshmallow Fluff counts as an entree.

Decades later, I find myself living in little “Portlandia,” Seattle, where a nanny once expounded to me on the dangers of those vile tools of Satan, grapes. “Little sugar bombs!” she hissed, as they clearly are agents of the devil.

Hey, I’m prepared to eat pretty healthfully, seeing as I had white sandwich bread maybe twice as a child, and was regularly tormented with a sprinkle of wheat germ in my Total. But my kids, who would much rather throw than eat oatmeal,  have driven me to Internet searches such as “breakfast apple crisp,” “healthful chocolate chip muffins” and “breakfast cookies” in recent weeks.

“S’mores sandwich” can’t be far behind.

So, I’ve decided to give up. Happily. I know deep down what I really need is just plain old chocolate cake for breakfast (with a nod to Bill Cosby), and we’re good to go. And ice cream, for the little one. No more breakfast battles for me!

I think Jessica Seinfeld was really just holding back a few years ago with her stealthy, veggie-hiding recipes in “Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food.”

What, you want me to bake a whole banana bread just for a couple of tablespoons of cauliflower, or con them into eating a vat of chili for the tiny servings of veggies artfully hidden in there?

Nah, just make a big old chocolate cake for breakfast, and you could have visible chunks of fish, Brussels sprouts and asparagus in that sucker, but they’re eatin’ it.

So, I’m planning to offer a dazzling array of decadent morning cakes, all the same recipes, with minor variations: Cake with Broccoli, Cake with Beef, Cake with Salad.

And I’ll be nearby, enjoying my marshmallow sandwich — on 100 percent whole wheat bread.–Jillian O’Connor