A look back at my years as a dairy cow
So, I just weaned The Younger, and something occurred to me.
I just don’t like all you people as much as I thought I did two weeks ago.
Oh, yeah, that’s right: Before affecting the stance of the virgin with child for a good six years, I was kind of a bitch. Things didn’t roll off me, and I was kind of the center of my universe.
Well, lo and behold, that part of me didn’t go away in those years of pregnancy and/or nursing. It was just jacked up with hormones and my brain was played around with a bit, to the point where babies took precedence and the other perfectionistic, narcissistic, personality-disordered parents around me didn’t piss me off.
But I’m back, baby. And I’m more irritable than ever.
Step 1: Get my kid the fuck out of chess club. What in the bloody hell was I thinking? Six months ago, he was 4. And he barely knows checkers. Screw the articles saying how awesome scholastic chess is for young minds. If children only barely know how to move the pieces around, checkers is their game. No smart kid who spends a normal, sane amount of time playing chess is going to fare well. What kind of hormonal state made me think this activity was OK?
Step 2: Have a beer, then another! Yup, just because I can now, with no babies to feed off my loins. Some blue cheese specifically cultured in listeria sounds just about my speed now, too. Hmmm. With extra nitrates and a vat of raw albacore, preferably from China.
Step 3: Get off the coffee now. I’m not sure if it was the mellowing effect of all that oxytocin from breastfeeding or what, but coffee is once again making me into the hydra it did a half-decade ago. Look out! I’m well rested, and on coffee: I’m a monster again. And I do love that drinking a crapload of tea instead could be construed as returning to my roots.
Step 4: Enjoy all the things I took a long, breastfeeding-induced hiatus from, like sleeping. Yes, I said it. Three weeks ago, my 2½-year-old son did not ever sleep through the night. He was then weaned. Today, he sleeps through the night. Deal with it, breastfeeding armies. I was one of you for a long, long time, but my kid sleeps like never before. NOT a coincidence. Flame away.
Step 5: Overthink everything once again. At least feeling this re-energized and riled up should be good for blogging.—Jillian O’Connor