Your body is a booger wonderland

Yum, placenta.

Comes from inside you, and tastes good, too. But it’s certainly not better than boogers.

Yes, I’ve had my boogers drained and encapsulated so I can enjoy them all around town as pills without the ignorant stares and condemnation of onlookers.

Why boogers, you ask? Why not ear drainage, cervical mucus or bellybutton lint? Well, I’ll tell you why.

First off, there’s an endless supply. About a quart a day. You don’t even have to have a baby. And they’re chock full of natural ingredients like trapped dirt. Oh, are you squeamish about soil, airborne pathogens and debris? (That’s very 2002, you know.)

And don’t forget that many people harbor staph germs that have colonized their nasal cavities. That just provides a natural dose of good bacteria to the rest of your body, of course. And staph does wonders for the complexion.

Also, boogers do such a good job of protecting your lungs, much as the placenta provides nourishment to the fetus. If it’s good in your nose, it’s got to be even better in your gastrointestinal tract. (I’m planning to use mine to top pizzas.)

Not to mention that boogers really help you build lean muscle. Look at all the men out there who are devoted booger aficionados. Is all that muscle mass due to  testosterone? Quite unlikely. Clearly, it starts in the nose.

I tell you, I feel so energized every time I take my raw booger pill. It can’t be a placebo effect. I just know it.—Jillian O’Connor