Delight your offspring with ultraviolence

I have a high-energy kid, the kind no one can quite believe when they really see him in action. The kind that comes up to me and harasses me and looks to cause… Continue reading

The cure for the little boy who grew up too fast

It’s never a good omen when your darling two-year-old greets you with “Hi, Poopy!” shortly before you leave to visit two new preschools. It’s almost as bad as him chanting “Candy, candy, candy!”… Continue reading

Local toddler exposed

The Younger has a new thing. Not wearing his pants. Not wearing any pants. Not when he plays, not when he chases the cat, not when he decides he needs to pee on… Continue reading

Plaything of the damned

Every parent has that one toy in the house that they’d put a mob hit on. For me, it’s called Alphabet Pal. And it’s purple. And chirpy. And a caterpillar. And vile. For… Continue reading

A look back at my years as a dairy cow

So, I just weaned The Younger, and something occurred to me. I just don’t like all you people as much as I thought I did two weeks ago. Oh, yeah, that’s right: Before… Continue reading

Never sleep with your back to the door

The Younger went to bed last night clutching a small car that his brother was trying to get from him. It’s the two-year-old version of sleeping with a shiv: If you can’t trust… Continue reading

Who wears boots and a suit of red? Must be … lots of guys

The boys went to see Santa last night, and it all went smoothly, with the possible exception of The Younger being utterly stone-faced in his $25 portrait. The guy playing the man known… Continue reading

‘It’s time to kick the seat backs’

Everyone hates those little boys who make it their business to kick a seat throughout a movie, usually one that they shouldn’t even be at, anyway. This weekend I was clueless parent No.… Continue reading

Angry baby on board

My toddler likes to trash-talk cars when we’re stuck in traffic. I’m not sure where he’s getting that, because I would never ever say anything even slightly unkind about any other driver (ever!),… Continue reading

The miracle cake diet

I’ve missed living in a part of the country where Marshmallow Fluff counts as an entree. Decades later, I find myself living in little “Portlandia,” Seattle, where a nanny once expounded to me… Continue reading