The cure for the little boy who grew up too fast
It’s never a good omen when your darling two-year-old greets you with “Hi, Poopy!” shortly before you leave to visit two new preschools.
It’s almost as bad as him chanting “Candy, candy, candy!” all the way to his very first dental appointment.
Hands down, someone will name you Mother of the Year.
But, realistically, The Elder never did this. He was so sheltered from candy, that he kept giving it back on his very first trick-or-treating outing. As if to say, “What? You actually expect me to eat this obviously non-nutritious substance?”
But The Younger, he has no such confusion. He knows what he wants, and he learned it all from The Elder. He’s eager to fight the first-graders; begs to see the banned “SpongeBob SquarePants”; plays with teeny, tiny, hugely age-inappropriate ultraviolent Legos; and even feigns enthusiasm for totally scary robot dinosaurs.
And the battling! Oh, the battling. Thankfully that phase has passed. I couldn’t take much more of a tiny toddler leaping onto the couch toward his brother, incanting “Battling!” in his best baby baritone voice. My best guess, though, is that he thought “battling” actually meant “jumping.” So, um, it’s OK. (Right?)
Recently, he’s also been pointing and mumbling for me to buy him chocolate-covered espresso beans. The pursuit of wine, women and song can’t be far behind.
So, before this slide into toddler decadence continues any farther, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a solution: Boot camp for second children.
You take a kid of maybe 2 or 3, remove all the scary robot toys and well, basically cut off all interaction with the big sibling, and put them in a lovely pastel room full of bunny rabbits and sheep. You play soft music, speak quietly, and read them only the gentlest nursery rhymes and play only the softest lullabies. You can even dress the child in a lovely bonnet and booties, just to get your baby back from the brink of tragic maturity even for a minute.
Yes, that is what you could do, if your wee one weren’t too busy trying to jimmy the handle on candy machines, that is.—Jillian O’Connor
How do you know when your kid is getting too old too soon?
I’m afraid your solution is the only one. Unless you put them in solitary they are going to grow up faster than the first one did. I have a 10 year old with brothers who are 20 and 18. He’s still our little one, with 4 parents but he knows all about adult games and warcraft. He still has the little boy innocence too, which is just him.
I guess it’s really just a usual variation! Mine is begging to watch “Caillou” lately, while pretending to shoot babies. Sigh.
Oh this is gorgeous! Completely reflects my own situation. So funny, thanks I loved it!
Glad you liked it and could relate to it! How many do you have?
twins 21 months and one four and a half – all boys!
My second son has grown up so fast, too! It is unreal – and he is afraid of nothing! My first son is timid and calm, the second is a wild man. Second child boot camp is hilarious! Definitely need to add a dose of Teletubbies and Playhouse Disney. 🙂
“Teletubbies”! I haven’t seen them in a while. I think they were last on our local PBS in 2007 or so. I miss them. The Younger is way milder, but has been exposed to so much before his time!
That second child does catch on quickly. Thankfully, my second one is a daughter so she wasn’t quite into the same things. There were times when I would have settled for a boot camp though!
I’ll bet she got a hefty dose of poop talk from her older brother, huh? 🙂